Bananas, benders and bickering bowlers blight end of season.

Innellan CC accepting the offer from Almond Valley to travel to Castle Toward “no matter the weather” extended their season by an additional fixture. This allowed old rivalries to be rekindled: not between the two teams who have enjoyed the best of relationships over the years but between Innellan’s bowlers each still convinced that they could still, with one more effort, win the coveted bowling trophy. Club captain Billy “Useless Tosser” Marshall was quick to capitalize on this ensuring that he used the divisive relationship between his bowling line-up to his best advantaged.

With an AGM soon to be held in September and the prospects of re-election looming “Useless” for the second week in succession won the toss and for the first time took matters into his own hands electing Innellan to field with a view to securing an early defeat and an earlier than usual retreat to the Royal Bar.

Predictably he couldn’t even get that right!!

The Ashes effect had truly reached Cowal with the increased attendance of 5 supporters applauding Almond Valley as their opening batsmen took to the field. A contrast to the laughter echoing against the walls of the castle as Innellan’s team of honed athletes went through their routine of warm-up exercises: opening the Stella bottle, lighting that last fag, a visit to the friendly forest and the eating of the 3^rd banana (Robin).

Almond Valley with a weakened batting line-up were bowled out for 67. Certainly an improved exhibition of fielding from Innellan but mainly due to the competitive bowling resulting from Marshall’s astute motivational skills; bribes, intimidation and wind-ups!!

Opening bowlers “the Bok” and Nirmal Singh both with bowling averages in mind played, for them, a cautious game matching pace with accuracy and limiting the openers to 6 runs from 10 overs. Grant McKellar once again showing his wicket-keeping skills stopping what would have been at least 10 extras as the ball zipped past the batsmen at pace. Unfortunately for Grant his girlfriend turned up and as his concentration departed. Byes soon mounted up.

Seeing no prospect of an early finish Marshall then brought on Henry and Smith and through the power of persuasion (he lied to them!) brought out the best they had to offer. Henry taking 2 wickets the first caught by Els off the worst ball of the season (the fielder was congratulated as Henry was sent by his team to apologise to the departing batsman). Yorkshireman Smith (“eets toornin’ a mile oot there”) bowled his full complement of 8 overs.  His 8 overs costing the team around 11 overs as his “toornin’” balls were called quite rightly as wides. His reward, 1 wicket for 20 runs.

Marshall’s master plan unfolded when he brought himself on to bowl partnered by Andy Gilles, Innellan’s own version of Freddie Flintoff (tired and emotional at the prospect of victory).  Gilles taking 2 wickets for 18 runs and Marshall improving his tossing with 1 wicket for no runs. Marshall having obviously analysed his own prospects of winning the bowling trophy then removed himself from the attack sending wife Jenny to the bookie’s to place a bet on him to win the trophy (odds 5/1 apparently).

Malcy Malcy Malcy Dunn then joined Andy to start his spell; and cast it he did conjuring tricks and hypnotizing (boring) the lower order batsmen with the quick reward of 2 wickets in 2 overs. Only batsman Gordon McKenzie could offer any resistance continuing a spell of batting started during Smith’s overs and accumulating runs at Smith and Gilles expense. More wickets would have accrued if not for Els’ poor fielding during Malcy’s spell. Surely a tactic clearly designed to ensure the trophy remained on his mantle-piece.

Obviously frustrated by this and with the thought of umpteen pints of lager going flat “Useless” turned to “Hopeless” and invited club treasurer and Shane Warne impersonator Higgins to deal with McKenzie.

Higgins’ second ball pitching wide of off stump and spinning to hit middle stump Mckenzie out on 21. Inspired leadership; naw just luck (but not for the batsman mocked by his team for being bowled by Innellan’s 3^rd worst bowler of all time …… come on, who can forget Beamer Bill from Australia?).

Dunn then claimed the last wicket of J Gordon who actually hit his own wicket backing off from Malcy’s ripper. Malcy celebrated as Els cried!

Tea was delayed until the end of the match purely in the interest of getting to the pub and Marshall put in his top order batsmen Johnston and Higgins to make inroads to the Almond Valley total.

Johnston took guard with the words “the batting trophy could still be yours” echoing in his ears and immediately returned to the boundary caught for a first ball golden duck. Higgins with the instructions to shore up an end and defend soon followed being judged by umpire Singh to have nicked one into the keeper’s gloves, out for 2 runs.  His lip was still petted some two hours later.

Niall, West of Scotland reject and son of “Useless” started what became a patient and well crafted innings steadying the batting as all around him mayhem reigned.  First McKellar bowled trying to hit one that he shouldn’t have for 1 and Gilles still “tired and emotional” being bowled for a duck.

Robin Henry then joined Marshall Junior and an effective partnership of 59 was added before Robin felt hungry and decided batting was a waste of eating time.  Out caught for a very impressive 15 runs. It should be acknowledged that 10 of these runs came after Innellan all-rounder and acting umpire Johnston gave Innellan’s young prospect Ian Wagstaff (then playing for Almond Valley) an on-field coaching lesson ….. stick to the cream cakes CJ!!

Els joined Marshall and soon the game was concluded by a 4 from the Bok with Innellan crowned unconvincing victors.

A big thank you to Pedro, Spanky, Spitroast (love those names), the bloke with the Amos Brearley side-whiskers and the rest of the Valley team for making the journey. We hope to visit you next season.

Sincere congratulation to Andy and Heather Lancaster on their 25^th Wedding Anniversary and thanks for letting Andy Gilles steal the left-over buffet for our match tea.  Quality!!

Well that’s the season over, only the golf outing, AGM and club dinner to occupy our minds and exercise our bodies until winter nets ……………… don’t think this is the last you’ve heard from us!!

W.G. Disgrace (Your local cricket correspondent).

Incompetent Innellan Beggar Belief

With a display of fielding that should have been investigated by the Strathclyde Police Drug Squad Innellan Cricket Club’s unblemished home record was well and truly blemished.

Seldom has so much been dropped in so short a period of time since pay night in Blytheswood Square.

Things started well for the home team.  Skipper, “Useless Tosser” Marshall won the toss.  But was clearly so surprised by this event that he couldn’t decide what to do and allowed the Vale of Leven captain to decide for him and Innellan fielded.  

A match-losing mistake in itself.

The visitors, who arrived a player short, were offered the services of “Big” Paul Dupre-Smith by the Innellan Captain.  Barely recovering from this shock they were stunned by the opening spell of bowling that saw Nirmal Singh take two wickets with a spell of swing bowling that had Campbell Johnston staring with envy.

This was followed by skipper Marshall bowling one of the finest leg cutters (up the hill) that Toward has ever seen.  This was caught magnificently behind by wicket keeper McKellar.

Vale of Leven 17 for 3.

This brought to the wicket Vale skipper Steven Bates (not rhyming slang) to join John “Boy” Graham.

Named and Shamed

And here ended the Innellan challenge as virtually the entire team dropped catches and failed to take one of many run out chances. 

The hall of shame reads as follows:

Dropped catches: Barclay, Henry, Hundley, McKellar, McKissock (twice) and Higgins (twice) before he finally managed to hold on to one (removing top batsman John “Boy” after a fine display of juggling).

Run out foul ups involved: Marshall, Johnston, Singh, Walker, Clark and McKellar (again).

Vale of Leven eventually reached a fairly modest total of 143 with John “Boy” top scoring with 63.

Innellan made a solid start and were progressing well when McKissock was given out by the umpires who had missed the most obvious no ball imaginable.

The umpires were Innellan players. This clearly demonstrates that the team now require sponsorship from any of the town’s excellent opticians (as well as hair gel sponsorship for our younger players from the equally excellent hairdressers in town).

McKissock, expletives deleted, was heard to comment “incompetent”.

This brought to the crease the magnificent sight of Campbell Johnston.  A man that by all accounts knows how to wield his willow.  And wield it he did with well-struck shots to all parts of the ground.

At the other end, however, he was losing partners.  Hundley first, retiring after having been forced to run his second two in the season. Next was Barclay trying to hit the cover off the ball for 12 and then McKellar having failed to run out any Vale of Leven players managed to run himself out.  He was followed by Robin Henry who failed to trouble the scorers with his second duck of the season.

Next in was Clark who was progressing well, easing Innellan towards a thoroughly undeserved victory when he too made a complete cod of things, trying to hit Dupre-Smith’s leg spinner (no spin) to the mid –wicket boundary. Clark out for 23.  The normally reliable Hugh Walker soon followed clean bowled, again demonstrating that his failing eyesight affected more than his umpiring.

By this time it was dark and skipper Marshall was ruing his decision not to make a decision when he won the toss as the rest of his batsmen went out and then back in out in very quick succession each (including himself complaining about the lack of light).

Special mention must be made of Higgins’ uncharacteristic charge down the wicket to offer Johnston advice on how to keep strike. Unfortunately this was during the last ball of the over leaving himself stranded and easily run out by Bates (the club are actively seeking a vacancy in a home for the elderly in an attempt to secure his retrial from the sport).

Johnston found himself high and dry on 44 not out when the innings closed in the 37^th over.

The club were pleased yet surprised to see new spectator Janet McKellar turn up to support Innellan. Only to discover that she had merely heard that the Vale of Leven were the opposition and she was actually touting for business from the many homeless and destitute in their team.

The bad news for Innellan is that they still have one match to go this season at home to Almond Valley on Sunday 18^th at 1.00pm.

They must be praying for rain.

Cricket: League Giants Done by Dunn
Innellan vs Mid-Argyll Sunday 12th June

A failed three week search for a sponsor of hair care products (to attract the young people of Cowal into playing cricket) ended with a home game for Innellan Cricket Club at Castle Toward last Sunday against league giants Mid-Argyll.

Both skippers had agreed that Innellan would bat before the toss.  However, Innellan captain Marshall hoping to break his run of bad luck insisted on tossing the coin - duly lost and was invited to bat by Mid-Argyll.

Without any natural opening batsmen in the Innellan line up Marshall and new vice-captain Higgins turned to Johnston and Dupre-Smith to form a makeshift opening pair.  And with no regard to form they went on to create a very solid opening partnership of  36 before Johnston was caught with a stunning catch by wicketkeeper Lyburn; out for 26.

Walker came to the crease and proceeded to keep the scoreboard ticking over while at the other end Dupre-Smith, not wielding the willow with his customary aplomb, gave next to nothing in the way of chances.  Walker confounded everybody (particularly Dupre-Smith) with his insistence on taking quick singles.  He was later to refute allegations that he must have been taking performance enhancing drugs.

Having played himself in well Walker decided to have a go at a ball on his centre stump.  Out for a creditable 41.  Innellan 97 for 2.

Seeking a return to normality Innellan turned to the ever reliable Singh to be out within a few balls.  But with a new found sense of responsibility he too got the head down and pushed the score along.  It was he who saw Dupre-Smith depart at the other end for a very hard fought 35 Innellan 127 for 3.

Marshall and Higgins losing hope of having to cope with the usual stupidity of Innellan batsmen sent in batsman of the year Mike Clark to see the innings through to a close and adding a few runs to his average by supporting Singh who was beginning to look ominous with a few lovely fours.  Clark put an end to all this by running him out.  Stupidity by Clark or a devious ploy to ensure no new pretenders to the club batting throne?

Singh returned to the pavilion (no pavilion) with a total of 27 out of Innellan’s 159.

Els then joined Clark for a short but useful partnership of 19 before Clark was caught and bowled for 28.

A nice cameo by Robin Henry hitting two fours in a total of 9 not out and Els 17 not out saw the total reach 196 for 5 before the end of the 40 overs.

A splendid tea taken, including a splendid chocolate cake donated by a Dr Clark of Dunoon, Innellan returned to the field only to be ousted by a heavy shower of rain. 

The shower over newly married Sunday Sport fan Els started a fiery spell of bowling (the ball as slippery as an 8 pound cod) that kept the normally aggressive Mid-Argyll batsmen quiet.  This was a feature of all the Innellan bowling tight, aggressive but lacking penetration.

However, this was an afternoon about fielding.  Where to start on an afternoon of superlatives?

Debutante wicketkeeper Grant MacKellar filling the gloves of Innellan reject and now Aberdeenshire favourite Flanagan for the first time was outstanding.  With an acrobatic display (ruining his freshly gelled hair) he performed a club first (still to be confirmed officially by the club historian) of conceding no byes.  The time has surely come for this young man to give up girly football for the chocolate cake of consenting adults. 

And then there was Johnston covering the field like a dog in heat and creating two run outs executed by MacKellar.

This was to be bettered by Walker fielding at (very) silly mid-off who pouched in quite the most nonchalant way a screamer of a shot with one hand.

However, even he was to be outdone by Dunn.  Towards the end of a super piece of spin bowling (no spin) Malky Dunn took a terrific caught and bowled. 

Perhaps it’s best heard in his own words:

 “The batsman had clearly read my faster ball and decided to hit a flat six to my left.  Realising that I would be unable to reach it fully I decided to parry it into the air.  However, my momentum was such that I had to do a backward somersault, clamber to my knees and catch the ball an inch off the ground.  Another pint of real ale please”

It was put more succinctly by the unfortunate batsman: “Lucky sod”.

Gritty batting was a feature of the Mid-Argyll batting but unable to gain any real momentum with this solid Innellan fielding display they ended 66 runs short on 130 after their forty overs.

An unusually overall good display in all departments of the game from Innellan saw the local team secure their third home victory this season, a 100% record matched only by their failure to win out with the Cowal Peninsula. A statistic surely causing under presure skipper Marshall many a sleepless night

Innellan welcome Morton (perversely from Edinburgh) to Fortress Toward next Sunday.  That is if we survive the Ceilidh at Castle Toward on Saturday night 7.30pm, £3.50, £16.50 B&B pay at the door.

Bok’s bowling baffles Oban’s batsmen!!
Innellan vs Oban Sunday 5th May

Skipper Marshall abdicated responsibility for his team and in the interest of guarding his undefeated home record handed the captaincy over to Mike Clark for the visit of Oban to Fortress Toward. Clarky’s day of glory started well with an all too rare success in winning the toss, inviting Oban to field.

Openers McKissock and Marshall initially found it hard work to find runs due to the fast and accurate bowling of  Campbell and Pilavachi. However after seeing off the openers McKissock began to open his shoulders and runs were soon to mount up. The opening partnership was broken on 46 when Marshall lost his wicket leg before to Roberts.. Walker then joined McKissock but despite raised hopes and a partnership of 26 he failed to get his eye in and was bowled for 4 by Kelly.

McKissock as sharp as the crease on his chinos continued to play with the style and panache expected of a veteran opener and passed his half century on his way to 78 before being caught and bowled by McKenzie. Surely one of Kissie’s better knocks for a few seasons.

Campbell Johnston had been at the crease playing himself in slowly and was now joined by Els who despite a few good nights sleep after his honeymoon was soon bowled for 5. Skipper for the day Clark decided it was time for glory hunting and having demoted Higgins to bat at number 7 joined Johnston at the crease.

With a handful of overs remaining this pair combined age of over 100 years decided to cast fate to the wind and have a thrash. Clark adding an undefeated 24 and “Turkey Trot” Johnston despite worrying about his 50^th birthday the next day passed an all together more useful  half century scoring 53 not out. Innellan 179 for 4 after the full 40 overs. A marvellous effort given the overall quality of bowling from the visitors.

Following a well deserved break for tea Oban took to the crease but the batsmen found the going tough as the ever reliable Els and Singh opened the bowling. Singh made an early break through trapping Hannah LBW for 1 run.

Hodgson then joined Kelly and added a useful partnership before Johnston caught Kelly of the bowling of Robin Henry (much more awake this week). Roberts came to the crease and runs continued to mount until Campbell was eventually returned to the pavilion bowled for 33 by Hugh Walker still smarting for his rare failure with the bat.

Hodgson was then paired with Constantine Pilavachi surely one of the grander names to grace our scorebook and they continued to pile on the misery. Marshall feeling the pressure of Clark’s fantastic captaincy continued to set an off-side field a ploy which eventually reaped success when his life partner Higgins took one of his customary spectacular catches to see off Hodgson for 41.

“Old Firm” Clash at Castle Toward
Innellan vs Cairndow

Friendly cricket resumed on an unprecedented sunny opening day to the cricket season with the clash of local rivals Innellan and Cairndow.  Skipper Marshall losing the toss was invited by Cairndow Captain “Buffalo” Bill Nelson to bat.

Marshall turned to seasoned openers McKissock and Johnston in the knowledge that this safe pair of hands would ensure a steady start to the season.

 All went well for seven deliveries when McKissock returned to the pavilion bowled Hemmings for 1 having decided to punish the loose ball on centre stump. 

Innellan 4 for 1.

Johnston steadied the innings for a further four overs when he played a shot straight out of the McKissock coaching manual.

Innellan 4 for 2.

Walker having been dropped early doors was joined at the wicket by the majestic sight of John Mather soon to depart as the season’s first candidate for the duck cup.

Innellan 7 for 3.

There followed two useful partnerships based around a magnificent display of attacking batting by Hugh Walker who with the assistance of Higgins and Clark took his total to a predicted half century and Innellan back into the game on 66 for 5

Clark assumed the batting mantle and supported by PD Smith and Marshall adjudged himself stumped, on 63, by Lyburn in the absence of umpire Walker who had wandered to mid-wicket before posthumously  raising his finger.

The lower order of Henry, Gilles and rookie McCartan took the total onto a highly respectable 156 all out.

Gilles and Marshall opened the bowling removing the valuable wicket of Chris Dalby for 5 runs and containing Cairndow to 15 runs off 8 overs.  PD Smith and Robin Henry continued the high standard set: Smith removing Bremner and  Henry bowling Jamie Pope with Cairndow on 38.

The match then witnessed the phenomenon of the old Pope replacing the new Pope when Jamie’s father Jon joined Lyburn at the wicket.  A useful partnership developed although runs were at a premium due to accurate bowling.  John Mather, acknowledged widely as perhaps the most miserable publican in Cowal surpassed his reputation by only affording Cairndow 2 runs off his four overs.   Ably assisted by Hugh Walker this bowling partnership restricted Cairndow to 46 runs after 24 overs.

The match was interrupted by a disturbance behind the bowler’s arm.  The  sight of Cairndow Captain Bill Nelson’s car being towed away by a recovery vehicle rendered the Innellan fielders unable to continue for a full five minutes due to laughter.  A bad debt?  A losing bet?  A paternity case?  Your guess is as good as ours.

At this point Clark and Johnston took over the bowling taking two more wickets removing Pope (Jon) and Hemmings.  The ever dangerous Lyburn continued to threaten but was countered by a final spell of bowling and PD Smith who between them took the final three wickets.  This left Mid-Argyll’s Lyburn, guesting for Cairndow, stranded on 42 (not out) and the total on 100.

A victory for Innellan by 56 runs in a match played in the true spirit of friendly cricket and enhanced by the self-discipline of both teams in accordance with agreement by both teams to avoid the scourge of sectarianism that threatens to blight this local derby. 

Innellan would like to thank the supporters (Hector and Renee) for increasing the attendance by 20% a major boost to cricket in Cowal.

Innellan’s next fixture is away to Cumbernauld (Mozambique) on Sunday 1^st May